Outfit: To have a good hand

It was my 32nd birthday yesterday. It's also a date that marks fourth year of this little blog. Boy, I did not think it would bring me where I am right now. A lot of things have changed since I started: my style clarified and it's constantly evolving, the blogging community changed and shifted to other platforms, I switched up the way I interact with people online concerning the blog-related stuff... not to mention my personal life has been all over the place. It's only been four years and yet, things never stay the same.

I think I am beginning to understand what change means to me and I am learning ways to approach it. I can handle small, day to day stuff that demands flexibility and quick adaptation of plans and schedules to life, as it happens independently of them. What I'm not comfortable with are big changes. They overwhelm me and make me feel paralyzed for days and weeks and months. Some, for years. But --life has to go on. I have to go on. And so, I am devising ways to cope with troubling things. So far, I've been beating myself up for feeling bad and confused and hurt. It's so easy to tell myself that I'm not enough whatever, that I'm a failure and that I'm not worthy of anyone's attention.

With time and work, I'm starting to see how messed up this looped thinking is. I figure what I need is a good hand: a patient, gentle hand to put on my head when I'm not feeling well; a hand to take care of me and to let me see what is true and good and necessary and a hand that will promise me it's going to be ok and show me there is a way forward. I'm not looking for this hand outside of myself. I need to have it in me, this careful guardian to see me for who I am and help me hold onto that.

I compare it to caring for plants. I've never been a plant person because I couldn't remember to water them or nip their fallen flowers and decayed leaves. Frankly, I just didn't care. Recently, though, we've brought a few plants to our balcony and little by little, I am learning to give them my attention. To do the simple things. To watch for their needs and fulfill them. To mind and care. And then, in turn, to see them grow.

I'm wearing a vintage blouse and belt given to me by my Granny, thrifted vintage scarf and backpack (similar), shorts, Kopi necklace, flats (sold out, similar).

Photos by my boyfriend.


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