On pretty

You may remember this baby doll dress that I made in December and loved so much. Well, it was so nice indeed that I made another version of it, this time in blue and green plaid. I enjoy hiding in both of them, especially now that I seem to have put on some weight that I have trouble shedding. It's an uncomfortable state when I often drift from one point of view to the other and my perception of my body changes easily, ranging from acceptance of my curves to despair and misery upon seeing myself in the mirror.

Truth be told, I don't think I've ever felt really pretty but at the same time, I don't focus on that too much. Still, I am aware that my features aren't those of classic beauty and there is a bit too much quirk in them to my liking. I like small, round faces and big eyes and pretty, full mouths, and I am quite the opposite of that. There is this destructive truth that I believe, no matter how unreasonable I know it to be: you can pull off any facial looks provided that you are thin. I think advertising makes us internalize that message and it is so easy to feel guilty of not meeting the required standards. But even so, even with that knowledge, I would like to be thin again, like I was perhaps ten or twelve years ago, just to feel that if I can't have a pretty face, I can at least have a body to call attractive.

People seem surprised when I tell them my own looks don't meet my preference. They tend to tell me "oh stop it, you are so pretty!" when I admit that I'm always a bit ashamed of the way my face appears. The hardest part about this clash of views is that no matter what everyone says, I always will feel the way I do. It's never about other people's opinion. Which, I believe, is a good thing in itself. At the most basic level it means that I'm independent of outside opinions and the ideas that I have about myself are my own. I try to find strength in this independence. After all, I don't have to like everything about me and there is nothing wrong with that. I keep telling myself that I have worked for a lot of things at which I had succeeded and very few of them were influenced by my appearance --even less were influenced by it in a positive way. I also blog because I like taking photos and writing and because I think I have a few things to share about personal style and approach to clothing oneself. My looks have little to do with it. I use myself as a model because it's the easiest thing to do. If I had another person to style and photograph the way I wanted to, I'd gladly choose her instead of myself.

Still, I do instinctively succumb to the idea that beauty is a requirement that I should meet. It's hard to fight this instinct, even with all my reason and sensibility. I hope it will get easier as I grow older and fall out of this category of young people who should always, under all circumstances, appear beautiful and attractive. What an awful lot that is.

I'm wearing a handmade dress and some other stuff, old or thrifted or gifted.

*All photos by my boyfriend.

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