I've been feeling a strong current of approaching change. I've been feeling more and more out of character in my girly, novelty-print dresses, like I have outgrown them. I've been noticing that my first wrinkles, these around the corners of my mouth that appear after I've been laughing a lot, tend to stay on my face for a little bit longer than ever before. My face has changed over the last year, and so has my mind.
I've been forced to accept that I'm no longer the forever strong superwoman I've always considered myself to be. I can no longer take on as many responsibilities as I've always had, propelled by the idea that I can do pretty much anything. It's not that easy to admit, really. Whenever there is a call to action, I'm still the first one to show up. "Who, me? Sure! I can do it!" Lately, though, with chores piling up, with different job-related duties growing, and personal space lessening, I feel like I need to make more responsible decisions. Sometimes, there are things that I have to pass up in order to remain sane and keep my peace of mind.
Admittedly, I've always been overly sensitive and I believe I have not hardened with time. I'm not sure you're supposed to. In fact, I'm more easily disturbed than ever before. It's not something most people would boast about and I'm not boasting really. I'm just being honest. I did a lot of ugly things to my emotional self when I was younger. Perhaps I've strained myself.
You know, I used to be funny and interesting and at the center of every party. I used to have so much to tell and my friends thought me and my sense of humour indispensable. I think I've lost that. Again, it's not easy to admit, but I think I've become boring and silent and very much self-centered. I do mind that but I have no idea how to help it, without straying again into the old straining ways. I've come a full circle to where I was about 15 years ago: shy, self-conscious and slightly weird tag-along kid you don't really want to call your friend but you just let her be because she won't take a hint and go away. She won't understand why she's weird anyway.
Sorry, this is overly personal and you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm not even going to bother to translate this into Polish. Polish is a harsh language.